


Vampires Do Not Sparkle!

by Behind_Blue_Eyes



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Parody, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4551711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Behind_Blue_Eyes/pseuds/Behind_Blue_Eyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy and Spike go to the movies.  Shortly into the film, Spike goes all Siskel and Edbert letting her and the other movie patrons know what he really thinks.</p><p>
  <b>Winner at the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards Round 25: Best Comedy, Best Pairing Conventional, and Best Post-Series</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampires Do Not Sparkle!

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot follows no time-line. Spike survived the battle with Wolfram and Hart, and the comics never happened. This was something that came to me after speaking with Wolfie on Chatzy! Thanks to my beta Sanityfair. This was written purely for fun, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Written in November 2011

“So remind me again why you’re picking out the movie, luv?”  Buffy and Spike were now standing in the long line for the refreshment counter after she’d purchased their tickets.

“’Cause the last movie we went to see, the place was totally cringe-worthy.  The theater entrance was in some dark alleyway, the floor was sticky, and I swore I saw the guy who played Pee Wee Herman sitting off in the corner.”

“Very funny, Slayer, but that was the only place they were showin’ the flick.”

“You know we could always watch _those_ types of movies in the privacy of our own home.”

“”Deep Throat” is a classic!  The only way to watch said classics is in a sleazy theater.”

The couple stopped their conversation briefly to order a large tub of extra buttered popcorn, two large sodas, and a box of Junior Mints for Buffy and a box of Hot Tamales for Spike.  After paying the cashier a small fortune for their snacks, they headed toward the theater.

“Whatever, Spike.  It doesn’t matter now.  It was my turn to pick the movie, and we are staying for the whole thing.  No faking an upset stomach like you did the last time I picked one.  It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now.”

“What?  There was no faking!  I think the butcher gave me some expired stuff.  Animal’s blood is vile as it is, never mind a rancid Wilbur.”

“Huh, so it had nothing to do with the movie being “Mamma Mia”?”

“No, nothin’.  But truth be told Meryl Streep and the rest of the warbling bunch didn’t help with the nausea at all.” As they stepped into the theater, Buffy scanned for a pair of open seats.

“Argh…it doesn’t look like there’s a lot of seats left.  We have to choose between the neck-wrenching, front row and the nosebleed section, last row.”

“If the nose that’s bleeding is yours, Slayer, and ‘m the one gettin’ to staunch the flow, I definitely vote for the last row.” Spike smirked while pointing out two seats in the last row in the furthest corner.  

“Gross, Spike!  Remind me again why we’re together.”  With an apologetic look, Buffy stood at the end of the row that held the two empty seats.  Silently, everyone started shifting to allow the couple in.

“Oh luv, you know the list is as long as my co—“

Buffy slapped her hand over Spike’s mouth before he could finish.  With embarrassment staining her cheeks, she smiled contritely at a mom with two tween-girls as they shimmied past.

Finally when they reached their seats, they both plopped down and situated themselves.  After taking off her jacket, Buffy’s eyes widened before she snatched the bucket of popcorn from Spike’s hands.

“Uh-uh, you are so not holding the tub of popcorn, Spike.  You’re lucky you’re not a eunuch after what you pulled the last time!”

“Well, if I recall correctly it was you pulling something. And might I add, my _surprise_ was far better than what a box of Cracker Jacks has to offer.”

“That’s true.  They always gave those crappy temporary tattoos that don’t last a day, but still, don’t you remember complaining during the whole dinner afterward about the corn kernels stuck in your pants?”

“Oh yeah, that was annoying.  But what was far worse was how the oil from the popcorn made the downstairs hairdo look a lot like Angel’s hair, all sticking straight up.  Well, that was a small price to pay when feelin’ how much you seemed to enjoy me tasting all buttery and salty later on.”

“That’s beside the point.  Now, quiet the movie’s starting.”  

They sat in silence for ten minutes before he made his first comment, which was totally a record for Spike.

“Okay, why do we need to know what the homely girl is thinking?”

“Shhhh…” Buffy hissed, returning her eyes to the screen.  Another half an hour passed until he spoke again.

“Slayer, I was prepared for a chick-flick, but this is more than that.  Isn’t it?”

“Umm…no?”  Buffy stuffed a handful of popcorn in her mouth so she didn’t have to answer further.

“You’re lying.  There’s something you’re not telling me.  What is—” Spike’s eyes widened while he watched what transpired on the screen; Bella entering the classroom, and her hair theatrically blowing around from a strategically placed fan.  A moment later, Edward’s face contorted with evident discomfort.

“Buffy…is this…you took me to a movie about _vampires_ , didn’t you?  And that’s not bad enough, but it’s a teenage vampire movie?”

She continued munching her popcorn at a non-stop rate, until Spike snatched the tub from her lap.  Knowing the jig was up, Buffy turned toward Spike wearing a coy smile.  Unfazed, he gave her a stern look that triggered her eyes to lower in apparent shame before they rose to meet his intent gaze.

“Fine, fine, it’s a teenage vampire movie.  I just thought this would be good to see.  You know, like for research and stuff.  Don’t you wanna know what people think about vampires?”

“This—” Spike pointed to the screen, “is so far from reality it’s pathetic!  Vampires do not go to school.  They do not try to fit into regular society or go outside all la-de-da during the bloody day!  And please tell me why every vampire that doesn’t feed off of humans has bad hair and looks all pensive and constipated?”

Buffy eyed Spike pointedly with a lingering smirk threatening to emerge.

“Don’t look at me like that, Slayer.  I never went to school when I traded for the dark side, and I sure as hell don’t brood.  And my hair…is classic, thank you very much.”

“Mmm-hmmm.  Keep telling yourself that.  I think thirty plus years of the same hairdo goes far beyond blaming it on not having a reflection, don’t you?”

“You’re gettin’ off topic, Slayer.  This is about you taking a Master vampire to this pitiful farce of a movie!  All I can say is, ‘you owe me.’  ‘M talkin’ big time owing—with costumes, whipped cream, and light bondage.”  Spike crossed his arms over his chest, very adamant about his demands.

“Okay, so tonight, naughty nurse or Catholic school girl?”  Buffy coquettishly smiled as she grabbed Spike’s thigh.

“Oh, there’s no _or_ , Slayer.  It’s both and then some.”

“Don’t push it, vampire, or you’ll end up with a whipped cream enema.”  Buffy released his leg, her hand returned to the popcorn and her eyes to the screen. 

As the movie continued, Spike muttered his thoughts, but overall kept silent.  That was until he loudly scoffed when the two main characters left the school parking lot to “discuss” Edward being a vampire.  However, what came next caused him to jump from his seat and launch his soda at the screen.

“What…the…bloody…hell! Buffy, I can’t sit here a moment longer.   Don’t bleedin’ care how many outfits you wear or even if you break out the sex swing!”  Spike then leapt over the row of seats in front of them and pushed his way past the other movie patrons to get out.

Standing at the top of the theater, he noticed all eyes were on him.

 **“VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!”** With a flourish he slammed the door, announcing his departure.  A few minutes later, a clearly embarrassed Buffy followed behind. 

**Author's Note:**

> In 1991, Paul Reuben who plays Pee Wee Herman was arrested for masturbating in an adult theater. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Reubens#1991_arrest_and_retreat_from_public_eye
> 
> “Deep Throat” is a 1972 porn movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068468/
> 
> Hot Tamales are another form of Mike and Ikes, but they are spicy cinnamon. Totally my favorite chewy treat, and I thought Spike would love them too since he likes spicy stuff. 
> 
> Wilbur is the pig from Charlotte’s Web http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte's_Web
> 
> “Mamma Mia” is a 2008 movie that is a film adaptation of a 1999 Broadway musical. It stars Meryl Streep and a few other notable actors/actresses. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamma_Mia!_(film)
> 
> Cracker Jacks are a boxed candy-coated popcorn and peanuts. They had a toy surprised at the bottom. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_Jack
> 
> Twilight (I cringed even writing this) is a horrible 2008 movie that is a film adaptation of an even worse book written by Stephanie Myers. There are so many negative things I want to say about this movie, there is but one that stands true: VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_(2008_film)>


End file.
